Now and then I get that certain kind of phone call. An installer or designer is fed up with the local regulators, who simply will not see things his way.

Testy relations between regulators and practitioners aren’t new. Often there are good reasons for disagreement and often (not always) the installer or designer is right. Still, these disputes remind me of a story I read while taking the Dale Carnegie course in leadership some years ago.

The story is pertinent not just because it illustrates a basic principle of human relations but also because it involves people on different sides of a dispute over an inspection according to standards.

You can’t win

One of the Carnegie principles for handling disagreements is to show respect for the other person’s opinion and never to say, “You’re wrong.”

In his classic book, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Carnegie wrote, “You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words — and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never!

“For you have struck a direct blow to their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.”

When another person says something we believe is wrong, or know is wrong, Carnegie advised beginning with a statement such as this: “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.”

Legend of lumber

Carnegie then told the story of a salesman for a lumber company who struggled constantly with lumber inspectors. He argued with them frequently, and often proved them wrong, but they never changed their minds once they had made a decision. The salesman eventually saw that his firm was “losing thousands of dollars through the arguments he had won.” So he decided to try something different.

One day he got a call from a purchasing agent who said that a rail shipment of white pine lumber was running 55 percent below grade and that he would not accept it. The salesman’s reflex was to quote the grading rules and convince the lumber inspector that he was misinterpreting them. This time, his approach was just the opposite.

“When I arrived at the plant, I found the purchasing agent and the lumber inspector in a wicked humor, both set for an argument and a fight,” the salesman said. “We walked out to the car that was being unloaded, and I requested that they continue to unload so that I could see how things were going. I asked the inspector to go right ahead and lay out the rejects, as he had been doing, and to put the good pieces in another pile.”

Turning the corner

The salesman soon saw that the inspector was being too strict, but he did not object to the way he was grading the boards. He asked a few questions about why certain pieces were unsatisfactory, but without suggesting that the inspector was wrong.

“By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and insisting continually that they were right in laying out boards that were not satisfactory to their purpose, I got him warmed up, and the strained relations between us began to thaw and melt away,” the salesman said.

“An occasional carefully put remark on my part gave birth to the idea in his mind that possibly some of these rejected pieces were actually within the grade that they had bought, and that their requirements demanded a more expensive grade. I was very careful, however, not to let him think I was making an issue of this point.”

In time, the inspector admitted that he was not experienced with white pine and began to ask questions of the salesman, who knew that type of lumber well. “He finally got to the point where he felt guilty every time he put a piece in the rejected pile. And at last he saw that the mistake was on their part for not having specified as good a grade as they needed.” The company in the end accepted the shipment and paid for it in full.

A little diplomacy

An approach like this might not resolve every dispute between an onsite installer and a regulator. But it’s likely to give it a better chance of success than old-fashioned arguing and head-banging.

So consider a little diplomacy the next time you find yourself and the local inspector at odds. You might be surprised at how it affects decisions about the issue at hand and your longer-term relationship with that person. The business itself is tough enough. Why let needless conflict make it tougher?